Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
