respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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