Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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