I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
