How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
