There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
