what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
