just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
