i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
