All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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