I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
