If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
You left your phone here
Wait...
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