i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
