I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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