There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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