awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
