He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
