I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
