why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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