I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
