God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
