Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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