I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
