Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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