Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
