oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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