forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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