it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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