I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
