you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
