Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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