I wannas sexs uuuuu
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
