at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
