Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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