I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
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