all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
