we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
