if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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