Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
