You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
