Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
