I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
