my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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