When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
