So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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