i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
