Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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