i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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