Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
