I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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