Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
