Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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