I didn't shave. On purpose
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
