I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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