Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
