That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
