oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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