Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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