Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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