I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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