We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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